Recovering Perfectionist

I sit here on the verge of midnight.  It's not that I can't sleep.  Well, it might be.  But, it's more or less the fact that I don't do laundry like my mom taught me.  As a result, I'm waiting up on a school night for the washing machine to finish, because I may or may not have ruined a hoodie I just bought my daughter.

I'm a perfectionist.  Well, maybe not with laundry, but with everything else.

I decided to return to working out full strength in 2019 and even joined a fitness challenge.  Not the typical Pinterest-inspired ones that everyone posts on social media, but one led by a personal trainer.

Today was first day back to work after winter break.  I'm exhausted.  Teacher-exhausted, mom-exhausted, every-which-way-exhausted. 

But, I had to get my workout in.  And, then there was laundry to be done and dishes to be washed.  And, it goes on.

This is why I am awake, closing in on midnight, calling on all self-control to not go get a cup of coffee.  Truth.

But, God.

Those two words mean so much, don't they?  Whatever your circumstances, add the words "but God" to the end of it and see how it changes perspectives around.

For the last two years, I've done the "word for the year" thing, praying that God would give me a focus for personal growth each year.  Last year, it was "be still".  This year my word is "simplicity".

I actually fought this word at first.  The idea of "being simple" is sometimes associated with stupidity.  But, every time I would kick it back, I'd receive a confirmation, whether in an ad for a book or a post on social media.

So, I believe God is telling me to be simple.  If you're a too-busy-all-the-time perfectionist like me, maybe you can take this advice too.

1.  Don't overthink things.
2.  Pray
3.  Trust God
4.  Don't be so busy all the time.
5.  You can say no.
6.  Don't stress the small stuff
7.  You don't have to be perfect

There's a story in the Bible that speaks of two women whom Jesus comes to meet.  One woman busies herself with taking care of Jesus, cleaning the house, and so on.  The other woman sits at Jesus' feet.  Which of these did Jesus prefer?   The one who chose to sit with him a while.


"And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42


It's simple, but profound, right? Be simple, take time to sit at Jesus' feet.

After looking for more on the idea of simplicity, I stumbled upon these quotes as well:

"Simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication." ~ Leonardo da Vinci

" Find beauty in simplicity."

"Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance." ~Coco Chanel

"Out of the clutter, find simplicity.
From discord, find harmony.
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." ~Albert Einstein

"Be clear on what matters, and get rid of everything else."

"Our life is frittered away by detail.  Simplify.  Simplify." ~Henry David Thoreau

"Simplicity is about greater appreciation for the things that really matter."


I will wait for the laundry to finish to see if I've saved my daughter's hoodie. 

Because I'm a perfectionist.

But, I'm a recovering perfectionist.

Sorry about the laundry, though, Mom.

War paint

I admit that I'm not one to put on a lot of make-up.  Yet, today, as I was getting ready for church and applying what little make-up I wear, a thought occurred to me.

This looks like I'm putting on war paint.

I laughed at the time, but it is indeed true.  Each day, every person puts on ___________  in order to brave the day.  Sometimes it's make-up, literally....but, more times than not, I believe it may be something much deeper.

To the person who is going through depression, it may be a fake smile.

To the person struggling financially, it may be work boots and pushing through feelings of inadequacy.

To the person who feels lonely and alone, it may putting a self-proclamation of "I can do this".

Sometimes, however, life throws out pitches so quickly, that we are sure to strike out.  Pitches that feel like punches to the gut.  In those times, it's important to remember that the game of life we are playing is not ours to play at all.  We try to keep up.  We keep score.  But, I'm not sure that God does.

2 Choronicles 2:17 says that you don't have to fight the battle...you just have stand still and let God take care of it.  Deuteronomy 20:4 says that God will give us the Victory.  Deuteronomy 1:30 says that God will even go before you and fight the battle.

Not only are you victorious....you are given the victory.  I admit it's hard when facing life's difficulties, but God is one of honor, and He is a winner (read the end of THE book).  He's sharing that win with you.  Consider it a "bye".  If a team receives a "bye", they don't have to play or compete.

So, whether you put on that war paint, step into the game, or sit on the bench.  It doesn't matter what choice you make; just remember this:

God's got this.

Trees and other unexpected things

Today is Father's Day.  Instead of attending church, we decided to go on a hike.  Our family is somewhat fit, well, let's call it a work in progress, but we've never done a hike this long.

Spending the day with my husband and kids, I didn't expect to hear from my Heavenly Father, especially on a day when I didn't attend church.  But, I did.

Flowers
Immediately setting out on the trail, I saw two flowers.  One was yellow.  Yellow flowers are my favorite.  Due to my own allergies, I cannot receive flowers.  But, I love looking at them. The second flower was a purple one.  Purple is my favorite color, but it also reminds me of my late Mamaw.  These two things may be silly to read, but the flowers put me a peace.

Yes, that's the picture I took.  It's simple, but it reminds me of grace. No, not my daughter, but of God's grace.

Trees
We were walking in Daniel Boone National Forest.  Along with a Kentucky history lesson on my part (I couldn't help myself), I was simply amazed on how many trees there were.  I literally see trees every single day.  However, God was using this experience to teach me not to take the mundane for granted.  At one point, I came across a bent tree.  The tree was bent, not broken.  It reminded me of my years in Florida.  During hurricanes, trees would blow and bend.  One would think that they would snap in two, but that is not the case.  Because they are deeply rooted.  I was reminded of life.  Life can sometimes feel like it's broken, but sometimes it's just bent.  Your chapter may be closed, but God is not finished writing your story.

Weeds
At one point, there was a break in the shade of trees.  There was one spot that the sun broke through.  In that space, one lone plant bloomed higher than any of his surrounding buddies.   Reaching high in the sky, towards the sun.  Just as we are to reach towards the heavens and to the Son.  God will provide what we need.

Sunlight
Speaking of sunlight, the area we hiked was very shaded.  Thankfully, shaded.  All the praise hands, shaded.  However, it was a long hike.  Many times, my physical body wanted to scream and complain.  When I got to that point, there was a break and we walked in sunlight.  And, for 30 more seconds, I was even more miserable.  So, guess what? I didn't complain.  I realized I was thankful for the shaded walk.  So, whether you're looking for the sun or for some shade, be willing to realize the blessings in front of you.

Peace
I mentioned that we were a work-in-progress.  All humans are.  Every time that I think I'm perfect, I realize that I fall short, immensely.  During the hike, I trailed behind my husband and my kids.  It's not that I couldn't do it, I just know I have to set my own pace.  Years ago, while still "skinny" according to the world's standards, I could not have a completed an 11 mile hike.  So, last in line, I hear my name called.  It sounds strangely like my Uncle Steve, who not only wasn't with us, but lives in another state.  Immediately, I hear my name called again.  This time, it sounds like my Mamaw saying it.  It sounded like her and she used my first and last name.  Most people would find this oddly eerie, or think that I'm losing my marbles.  Yet, I was at peace.  Just walking.  I kept moving.  But, I heard God speak to my heart.  He said this, "I still hear you, and you can still hear me."  I am so thankful that He knows my name.

If I had a mic, I think I'd drop it here.  There have been many things in my life that cause me to question God.  But, not to "question God", but to ask God questions.  And, know what?  I rarely get an answer.  But, today tells me that it's okay that I don't have the answer.  It's okay that I'm a work in progress and not perfect.

God still hears me.  I can still hear him.

God still hears you.  You can still hear him.

Sometimes, we just need the simplest of things--even like those I found in nature today--to remind us.

Stillness

Growing up, I was always the shy one.  In fact, when I answered the phone, I didn't answer at all.  My dad would say, "Say Hello."  One would think that I'm talking about when I was a toddler, just learning to talk.  Nope.  Try, teenager.

Now, I'm known to overshare.  Like my dress?  Thanks, I only paid $8.00 for it.  And, much worse.  I over-share and over-trust.  I've been known to confide in the wrong person, simply because I literally trust everyone.  It's gotten me in to trouble in the past.

At the beginning of the year, God gave me a word for 2018.  Stillness.  It comes from this scripture:

"Be still and know that I am God." ~Psalms 46:10


As I write now, my house is completely quiet.  My two children are reading, as part of a summer challenge I gave them.  They're required to do so many things before they can use technology.

I, too, was reading a devotion.  One chapter of a book from my favorite blogger.  It was powerful stuff.  I kept looking for what to take a picture of or words to share on social media.  It's so good, I need someone else to read it, right?

Then, God hit me.  Well, not literally, of course.  But, each time that I feel that God is talking to me, it is indeed in that still small voice.  Unfortunately for me, I am stubborn and it usually feels like I've been hit with a ton of bricks.

Allow me to share.  This morning, as I was reading my devotion, God told me NOT to share what I was reading.  So, I am sharing, but I am sharing this.  I feel He said to my heart:

This is for you.  You alone.  You don't need to share.  Just receive.

That's it.  Mind blown, right? If you're a woman like me, you find it easier to give than to receive.  Receiving seems selfish.

But, God is telling me, and perhaps He's telling you, to be still.  To receive.  To rest in His presence, and know that everything is going to be okay.

Hills

I went to visit my Mamaw today.  Actually that’s a lie.  I went to visit the place where she’s  buried, even though I know she’s not there.  Actually that’s a lie too.  I went to the bottom of the hill of her gravesite and looked up.

I’m not as brave as I portray.  I have four wheel drive vehicle but was afraid to go up there by myself.  No one else knows where I am right now, which in and of itself is a bit scary if you think about it.  But, there is One who knows.

I look up the hill and I see a cross, literally.  She’s buried behind my old church.  There’s so much I miss about the way things use to be, but mostly I miss her.

I came here because I felt alone.  I was alone, in the physical sense of the word, simply because my husband was hunting and my kids were at grandparents.  But, I’m not alone in the spiritual sense of THE Word.  So, I look toward  the hill where my Mamaw is buried and scripture takes a literal life-giving meaning:

I look to the hills from which comes my help! My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth!

So, while I may feel lonely at times here on Earth, I know that I am not truly alone.

Life sometimes gives us hills and valleys.  What is important to know is that when we are in the valley, we can look toward the hills.  Hills are promises that He hasn’t forsaken us, that He is still with us in the valley.

Each day, we have a choice - we can dwell in the valley or we can look to the hill, realizing we have hope.

Live in the valley,
Look to the hills.
Choose life.
Choose Jesus-given life,
and realize that you, too, are not alone.

Love you a lifetime

The other day, my husband misheard something I said as, “I’ll love you a little.”  He replied, “I hope you’ll love me a lifetime.”

It reminded me of the children’s book, Love You Forever  by Robert Munsch:

“I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.” 

Yet, the more I thought about my husband’s sweet words, the more I thought about my Savior.  One dark, sweet day, over 2,000 years ago, Jesus spread His arms out wide and said:

You who have turned your back on me, I’m doing this for you.

You who have been wronged and do wrong in return, I’m doing this for you.

You who are broken, I’m doing this for you.

You who are sick and don’t know where to turn, I’m doing this for you.

You who feel unloved, I’m doing this for you.

You and you period. No matter your circumstances.  I’m doing this for you.  I stretch my arms wide on this cross and sacrifice for you because I’ll love you a lifetime.

One day, Jesus will once again stretch those arms wide and welcome us home.  He will  do so in love and give us a new life, an eternal one, where He will say, I’ll love you a lifetime.

And, how sweet it will be to be loved for a lifetime, eternally, by the One who gave us life.

Losing (and regaining) focus

Ever had one of those days where you feel as if you're in a funk?  Well, I've had one of those days.  In fact, for me, a day has turned into weeks and even months.  And, I'm not just talking about funky, as in, "hey, you're kinda cool".  Nope, funk.... as in "I don't feel like myself".

Here's the thing:  nothing has drastically changed.  So what if I haven't written in a while for this blog? Not a big deal, right?  Well, here IS a big deal... ready for it? I'm about to drop the mic here and not in a good way.

In the same sense that I haven't written in a while, I haven't read in a while either.  Except for church days, I haven't opened  my bible either.  If you're reading this and you're in the same boat, you may want to hear something like "It's okay. Life gets busy. God will understand."

While I am in no way in a place to tell you what God Almighty will and won't understand, I can only speak about myself.  So, here it goes:

I prayed for God to reveal to me why I felt like I was in such a funk, even though nothing in my life had really happened (no big changes, etc.). Here's what I believe to be His answer that I feel compelled to share with you: "Julie, you've lost your focus."

I can count the number of times that I've felt I've heard God speaking to me.  Most of the time, I just feel a gentle guidance, a loving push.  Sometimes, like in this case, it seems to slap me across the face, as a loving father would discipline His children (okay, not literally, but you get the idea).

***

So, I lost my focus.  Regardless if it was only for a few weeks, I took my eye off of the prize. I took my eye off of Jesus.  I let life get in the way and run me, instead of  allowing God to run my life.  Did I lose my salvation? No.  But, I wasn't focused on the One who truly matters.

It reminds me of the church in Ephesus (Revelation 2), who had lost its first love.  The Ephesians lost their zeal for God, therefore falling prey to false teachings.  Do I feel I was in danger of that? Maybe. Maybe not.  But, I feel that God is choosing now for this particular experience to be shared with those who are willing.

As before, I can only speak for myself.  But, if this resonates with you as it does with me, I encourage you to look up, to stand your ground, and not lose your focus.  The Bible also says that it's the little foxes that destroy the vine.  So, do not let everyday business (or insert your situation here) slowly draw you away from Jesus.

Father God,
I come to you in Jesus name, asking forgiveness for my sins.  Forgive me for losing focus on You.  God speak to the one who reads and listens to this now.  Help us both to stay focused on You.  God, guide us and protect us.  Help us be the light, be salt to this Earth.  Help us to focus on You, so we can point others to You.
In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen